Partner For Life

My life is not easy to explain. It has not been the rip roaring spectacular I fancied it would be but I still consider my life amazing. One minute I am laughing, the next hour I am crying. Change is the only constant thing in this world and life changes in a heartbeat. It is unpredictable that’s why we have to put our hope in Jesus Christ who never changes. He is the most reliable source of hope and strength that we need.

Many of my friends are too acquainted with life changing in a moment. One day their married raising children with a partner and then the next day they are facing a tear-jerking separation. They find themselves responsible for every aspect of their children's life. They are constantly juggling their work and their child rearing while trying to heal from a painful breakup.

My piece of advice to those mother like me who is struggling, it is okay, God won’t drown you. He won’t let that happen. You may be bobbing in the water gasping for air and just when you think you're going underneath he will lift you up.

God is going to perform a miracle in you and your children's life BUT YOU HAVE TO WORK HAND IN HAND WITH GOD.

If you're broken he's going to make you whole BUT you have to help yourself. Pick up yourself. Love yourself.

If you're sad he's going to bring you immense joy but you have to allow God to enter your life. Once you allow him to enter your life, you will not be lost. Happiness will be on your way.

If you're riddled with anxiety he will give you a peaceful heart. Together with love, acceptance and forgiveness you will have a peaceful heart, mind, soul and life.

If you're worried about making ends meet, he's going to provide your needs all you have to do is follow his way. Remember, he is the way, the truth and the life. (John 14:6)

God is going to work in your life to transform and renew it so you can move forward with your purpose in full confidence rooted in the Lord. Friends, if you need a good cry have one and when you're done Jesus is going to wipe those tears away and lead you into a fantastic future. All you have to do is have faith in him. You may be thinking this is the end of your world, let me tell you something it is not over until God says it over, so pick up your head and walk tall with your life time partner: Jesus Christ Almighty!

Last Reminder: Single motherhood is challenging but we have a lifetime partner in God

Relationships Die Without Commitment

Last night’s topic at the feast is about "commitment"  so expect that I will bombard you with notes about commitment the entire week

According to Webster, “Commitment is a pledge, a promise or an obligation.”

The first point from brother Jan Silan’s talk last night is, “Relationships die without commitment” I stopped for a moment when I heard that then I just said to myself, “True, I am glad I attended the feast tonight. Something is coming my way”

I've been pondering about the complex relationship between a single mom and the father of their child. It's sardonic because we separate or divorce due to irreconcilable differences, but then we're still forced to have a relationship with them for the rest of our life. We need to reinvent the current relationship and mold it into a peaceful and harmonious union, something that wasn't so easy to do after all the pain that we've been through.

In my personal experience, breaking up and letting go are two things that’s very hard to do. It is even harder when there is a child involved. I've had my fair share of heartaches, but this heartbreak was one of those excruciating breaks. The kind that brings you to your knees, gives you tummy twitch, fractures your heart, and makes it hard for you to breathe. 

So what if the father is not committed with co-parenting? What if we thought we were able to reinvent the current relationship, but found out that it is a relationship without commitment? That the other party is not committed at all, meaning the relationship is not there after all; it is indeed dead. This means that I have to be committed to my son twice as I should be. I need to be committed to him as a mother and as a father, more so, as a friend. Being a single mom is not an excuse not to be committed, for me it is another reason to be. I must admit, there were times when I sincerely wish that I could reconcile with the Father of my kid, but there is a reason we aren't together.  If I force it, one way or another we might hurt each other, more so, we might hurt our child; something I couldn’t bare.  That’s why I have to trust in God and his will for me. I don't play the blame game because it takes two to tango, two to have a relationship and two to break it. The pain subsided but there are days when it is fresh and raw and reality sets in. On those days I have to remember that my partner is God. I know God is committed to me. Would I like an earthly partner?  Of course, but I know God has to finish his work on me first.  I know in God’s time he will give me the perfect match partner that will be committed to us and to God.

I'm single for a reason. God is utilizing me for his purpose right now. He knows where my focus needs to be and he will not allow anything to interfere. This is the season in my life that I need to focus on my work for God and for my son. This is the time where I need to be committed to my son. This is also my time to be committed to grow spiritually. I think the Lord is preparing me for my life work and maybe even for my partner that he will give on his time and according to his plan. See, God loves to get us prepared. Our trials and experiences are all part of his master plan for our lives. He enables us to be broken so we can be made whole. 

I'm learning to be contented in my state of affairs and to embrace the season I'm experiencing. I slowly understand what it means to be still and listen to God. I understand how futile it is to worry and to have regrets and rehash the past because God is in control of everything. I've learned that he will take care of me and addy when I submit willingly and depend on him for my every need. He has taught me to be confident in my faith and have courage through him. I am learning the art of letting go and releasing people, places, and things that can no longer serve me or my purpose. I'm accepting my vulnerabilities, I'm allowing the tears to flow and I'm placing myself completely in his hands. The most important realization is I am committed not only in giving my son the things that he needs and deserves but also I am committed to my creator who loves me and my son unconditionally. 

Thank you Makati Feast

Two Years And Six Months: Babylove

it's been more than a year since I wrote you a letter my dear, but it doesn't mean i forgot about you. i am sorry if mommy was too busy to write you a note and so, here i am again....

It seems like yesterday that I brought you home from the hospital, and now you are my little man. I was very nervous at the prospect of being first time mother, or should I say, single parent. It did not strike me until you arrived - and then it hits me.

It took a while for me to come to terms with the fact that I was a mother and was going to be one forever. But today after two years of looking back, I cannot help but smile. It is a feeling of fulfillment beyond words. Although I am still not sure if I am a great mother, I feel that I have done some justice to the role.

Every milestone of yours was a personal victory for me. Your first smile, your first word, your first step.... I was just amazed and once again overwhelmed at what a little miracle you are.

As years passed by, things started to get very challenging. Sometimes I found myself in very difficult situations; the mess you made, the tantrums you threw, and the other millions of naughty things you did really stressed me out. I have agonized over many of the decisions I had to make when it came to discipline. I  had many arguments with your lolo and lola but in time we learned to parent as a team. We still have our differences of opinion but we learned to listen to each other.

Now I learned to take things in my stride and deal with them with a calm mind. One thing that helped me tremendously through the toughest times was your smile - that 1000 watt glow made me forget everything and realize it was all worth it. Two years after you made your entrance into my life hasn't been the same, you are by far my biggest source of joy and my biggest energy drain. you keep me going, you keep me laughing, you keep me wanting to live each and everyday.

We live our life in phases. When one ends, another begins. Change is constant and life is short. So seize the moment and live life to the fullest, have no regrets.

I have learned so much from you and will continue to do so for the years to come. How to forgive, how to love unconditionally not expecting anything in return, how to be innocent, how to enjoy the small things in life, how to be carefree…. The list is endless....

I will always love you. I will always be by your side. I will always be there for you, someone you can count on. i will do whatever I can do to make your life better for as long as their is air in my lungs and my heart still beats.

Thank you Addy! You have made my life worthwhile!

Love u always,

mommy

Addy: Terrible Two

I want to start by saying how much of a miracle you really are my little one! When you were born, you were so perfect and you came out with so much fight in you! When they laid you down to get you cleaned up, you arched your back, balled up your fists and started swinging. I knew then that you would be my little trooper and I am right.

What a joy you are, my snuggly, cuddly, silly little son.  You are learning and discovering fast these days and you are inspiring me to do the same.  You are counting…(slow, drawn out pronunciation) one, two, (fast pace) free, foh, five, sih, seben.  You love to pretend you are a puppy, and crawl around panting and whining like a puppy, sometimes a ruff-ruff, or a frog hopping around on your hands and feet saying “hop”. 

You have a new trick, which is batting your eyes at me when and asking for milk “leyley milk pleaseeeee” when you should be laying down and going ni-night.  And you sucker me into taking you to my bed and cuddling.  We have a special ni-night dance/song we sing.  You stand on your “diaper-zone” loft and hug me around my neck while we sway back and forth and sing “Ni-night, ni-night dance, ni-night dance with my baby boy.” and you sing along “ni-night boy”. 

Our favorite book is Good Night, Moon.  We read together – I say the “there were’s” and the “good nights”, and you say the things in the room.  Your favorite ones are “buzz”,  “pow pow” (pillow) and “ninight” (goodnight). 

We play a game throughout the day where I ask you “what’s your name” and you say “addy, two, leyley”. Because you already know the next questions like how old are you and who’s your mommy.

You LOVE Buzz from Toy Story and Pete from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. You love Superman.  You pronounce each syllable very slowly – su-per-man, but when you say it fast, it’s “pa"

You have the best manners, my sweet boy.  You say “thank you” unprompted almost every time someone hands you something, or tells you they will go get something for you.  And the way you say it just too cute – you kind of sing “you”.  “Thank Youuuu”. You also say please with eyes batting.  You are also quick to say “Sorry”, especially after a time out.  You get your fair share, too, my little friend.  Your favorite ways to be naughty involve crayons, pens and pencils.  The world is your canvas.  Thankfully our old Ikea kitchen table and hardwood floors in desperate need of refinishing only get more charming with your artwork. 

You LOVE taking a bath while jumping up and down and say “bubble bath, go go go” and run to me when it’s bath time. Then you love to splash, turn the bathroom floor into a lake, and pretend your at Great Wolf on waterslides. You love running around naked after the bath.  You get really bummed when I put your diaper back on. You love books and our night time story time.  And I love reading them to you.  You are very opinionated though – if I try to read a book that isn’t on your list you’ll say a firm “no, change” and push it away.  And then when your favorite comes up you get excited and say “Yah!”. 

You are so cute when you pray “Father, son, amen”, and your are extra sweet when you say “thank you, Jesus”.  There is so much to love about you, but I think my favorite thing is when you say  “I love you leyley”.  You look at me, and sometimes hug and cuddle (your hugs are so strong and yummy), and say it.   I know you mean it.  And I mean it more than words can say.  I love you my sweet boy, Thank you for all the joy you bring me every single day.

You are my life, without you, my life has no purpose or meaning.  I can't tell you what it felt like when everything was happening because there are no words to describe it. One day when you will have your own children, I hope you look at them the way I look at you. Look into their eyes and when they look back at you and smile, you will see all that is good things in this world. You'll see unconditional love, innocence, purity and sheer wonders. When you do have children, love them the way I love you. Hold onto them with everything you have. Lay down your life for them if the situation calls for it and I hope it never does.

You are still, and will always be, the light of my life.  You are still a mommy’s little babylove!

but please, Don't grow up too fast