Mother's Love

One of my favorite quotes is this: "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." Elizabeth Stone

As soon as I had my first child, I learned that as soon as that baby makes its appearance in the world you must start letting go. I remember being pregnant with Adrian, and having that security knowing how safe he was inside of me. That bond that you have with that little one, the little kicks that only you can feel, the flips and the flops, the stomping on your bladder....I remember despite the joy of the moment of finally getting to hold the baby in my arms, being a little sad knowing that my child would never be so close and so safe inside me again.Knowing that we now have to face all the cruelness in te world. So in a way it was a bitter-sweet moment for me.

Being a mom has taught me so much in the short 3 months that I have been at it. It has taught me that my heart is indeed capable of limitless love. Being a mother to someone requires patience, love, understanding, and the realization that being a mother is not an easy task. You have to be a comforter, a booboo kisser, a tickler, a get the monster out of the closet exterminator, a bug squishier, a chef, a Martha Stewart clone, cool, a personal shopper, a chauffeur, and so many other things. you will cry with them when they have to go to the ER because of high fever or mild asthma. you will change a million diapers, you will wonder when you'll get to use the bathroom alone again.

I believe someone once said that motherhood is the hardest job for which one never gets paid. But I believe that we do get paid. The currency is just a little different. Instead of dollars and cents, we receive hugs and kisses. In place of a bonus or raise, we get a cuddle, or an “I love you.” We don’t have a yearly review. Instead we get that warm fuzzy feeling when our child masters a skill, or does something to make us very proud. Unlike the stock-market, we invest in our children with our time, our teachings, and our love. And the return is ten-fold. The “boss,” or our children, may not notice our hard work. Yet we keep “clocking-in.” Why? Because this is the most important job that we will ever have. We may want to call in sick sometimes. But we won’t get fired. We won’t quit.

I can't wait til my little boy can say those words to me... "i love you mommy"
hayhay i love you baby boy

Unknown Emails

Back to blogging, just proves that shit is again just around the corner.

Has been a long time since I last wrote my heart out and now I can't even find the right words or emotions for the reason why I wanted to write again.

Could be...

Rage? Yeah, I'm in rage. I am not hurt, for hurt is such a weak word, I am angry. I want to explode and let all the anger out. I want the whole world to know that I am so pissed yet I remain quiet. I want to create a scene, a scene that all who'll witness will not forget and the look of rage in my face will be etched in the mind of everyone who'll see. But. I know I shouldn't. I know I should take the high road and be the better person. I know exploding will just cause more harm, more rage, more suspicions than good.

Or may be,

Alone? Yes, I am alone. I am surrounded by the bestest friends in the world but I still can't help but feel alone. Everyone seems to be there for me yet I am not where everyone seems to be. I know I have my little boy but still, I cant help it....at times, i still feel alone..

Or just..

Broken? I definitely am broken. I've been broken a number of times before. Have been repaired. But somehow, once you break no matter how hard you try to mend yourself, no matter who tries to fix you, no matter how long you try to patch and heal the broken pieces of you, you will always be broken and may never be restored to your true form. And, so am I.

And

Damaged? Too deeply damaged. I've been mocked, ridiculed, be-littled and jeered at by people who consider themselves righteous, that I would guess would not even understand a single word in this blog and was not taught the Subject-Verb agreement way back in high school but still, I again remained silent. I've been talked about for things other people doesn't even know of. Painful words have been thrown at me. Words that I know I am not and I could never be. Knowing myself, I could easily fight back for which I have all the right to, yet I didn't. IT"S BECAUSE OF ADDY....BUT calling my son "BASTARD" is a different thing...

May be

Deprived? Deprived by my own moral standards. Deprived of my own happiness. Deprived of doing what I want or even deprived of just wanting it. Deprived of following my heart. Deprived of things that could turn out to be a bridge to happiness, to contentment, to peace of mind.

But still

Hopeful. I know deep down, though the end may still be far away, there would be light at the end of this tunnel. Strong as I may be now, I know, I can still be stronger, I can pick myself up, and though broken, damaged, amd deprived but no longer angry, I have faith that I can be truly happy, of peace and contented.

I know, I have to do this...for me and addy.....