Realization on a winterish night

 

I turn my back and walk away
from what you've made of me.
It's not because I  hated you
but because I'm hating me.

I tremble when I hear your voice,
quake when your step is near.
I hide when you come through the door.
I die, a woman in fear.

I once was strong, vibrant, and proud.
My smile was quick and true.
My step, once certain, now is not.
It walks timidly after you.

My laughter once was always there.
You beat it out of me.
I once could hold my head up high.
Today I kneel at your feet.

Humiliation, tears, and pain,
is what you've put me through.
You've taken all my dignity,
and made it all about you.

First your words destroyed my spirit.
Your fists painted me blue.
You made me despise who I am.
I hate myself for loving you.

There is one thing you gave to me,
something you left behind.
The only thing I thank you for,
is the strength I found inside.

Because I loved you deeply once,
I'm stronger than before.
Because I loved you deeply once,
I stand and walk out this door.

I climb up from the dirt and blood.
I wash away the glaze.
I will not be cowed by you.
I will not live in a haze.

I am not your dupe or victim,
your shadow, nor your whore.
I will not serve you hand and foot.
I will be your prey no more.

You cannot keep me on a leash,
from you I will be free.
I found the courage that I need.
I'm deeply loved by me.

Everyday, I always pray that God will take all the pain away. Everyday I am hoping that I can be mad at you even just for a day. I am broken and jaded. I can't forgive you yet, but I can't even manage to be mad at you. My mind is telling me to hate you, my heart is saying just let it pass coz it's over and things will never be the same no matter how mad I become. Today should be a good day, however, it turned out to be a nightmare. If only I can sleep the whole day, so that the time I wake up, it's a brand new day.

I know things happen for a REASON. In the future, I will know the reason behind this.

Life Changing

 
In a world filled with changes each and everyday,
I feel like I'm judged for what I do or say.
I remember back to Barbies and play days in the park
When I didn't worry about other people's remarks.
But looking in the mirror I see to my surprise,
a completely different person standing deep into my eyes.
The carefree little child I saw at four or five
will soon to be a MOM learning to survive....

Do Fairytales Come True?

I went out with my Uncle, Aunt and Cousin to watch Lea Salonga as she plays the chimney sweeper-turned-princess in Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella. I adored Lea Salonga even before, I watched her Broadway Musical Miss Saigon three times. I also watched one of her concert in PICC a few years ago.

As a kid, I believe that fairytale do come true; that every girl is a princess and one day she will find her prince and they will live happily ever after. The sad reality is; that's not always the case, but tonight I was willing to be a kid again.

As we entered the main theater, a royal blue curtain draped the stage with a huge backdrop of a glass slipper in the center, the shoe that made Cinderella a classic story. I suddenly felt the glorious momentum of the show, sat down in our very good seats, a lil chat with my cousin while waiting for the play to start. The show started with the orchestra leading the overture. The bubbly Fairy godmother introduces Cinderella whose rich history dated back to 19th century in China. Fairy Godmother is very funny. She made us laugh the entire play.

The step sisters were hilarious all through out as well. Joy, the thinly sister with a knee problem, said to the prince, "Your Highness, what a nice BALL" (with emphasis on the word ball). Everyone was laughing at their quirky costumes and comical lines.

The King and queen were going on about their marital woes and economical problems of their kingdom ( the king is very thrifty)  and fired up a line about the King's secret service. It was hilarious, but Fairy Godmother still captured my heart. She rocks!

The Prince Charming, who made all things possible for our leading lady, left us with mushy lines to linger in our hearts; as he sang to Cinderella, "Do I Love You Because You're Beautiful?"

At some point, I was a bit disappointed because I am wanting to hear Lea sing the popular songs from the original Disney movie of Cinderella, but she did not. I am very excited to see the fairy god mother turn the pumpkin into a beautiful golden carriage while singing Bibbidi-bobbidi-Boo and Cinderella singing the famous  A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes.

Lea will make you proud. She may be the smallest gal on stage but her voice will reach spectacular heights. Bravo!

Overall, I had a good time. I am more than willing to watch this play again. Cinderella is the best known love story thus requiring no introduction. The most beautiful thing in this fairy tale is how two people who coming from two different worlds comes to experience true love.

I just hope that everyone will experience the magic of true love, like Cinderella did.

I can say that tonight, I had a magical night!

Missing The Old Me

As a kid, I can always be catty and bratty but as I enter the adolescent stage, I become more sensitive to other’s feelings. I become more mellow. My catty and bratty attitude disappeared.  As I go along the way, I experienced a lot. I had some fair shares of heartaches and heartbreaks, of disappointments and of frustrations and with that I certainly learned a lot not only spiritually as well as emotionally. Adulthood came like a thunder storm, fast and loud. It came like a blast. Heartaches and heartbreaks remain constant along the way but that never hinder me to stop believing in the magic of love and what is it capable of doing to change someone’s outlook about life and love. I still strongly believe that everyone has goodness in his heart albeit everyone also has negative traits that can be change and improve. I am very sensitive. I am very delicate. I am a crybaby as they may say. People see it as my great weakness but for me it’s not. The rationale behind that is; I am not afraid to show and express how I truly feel. Unlike other people who will hide their feelings; they will let it flow until they cannot hide it anymore and they will just BOOM! Explode like a bomb.

After a few years, I met a long lost friend. He made me realized how weak I am for being very sensitive and yes, a crybaby. For me, it’s a challenge. So, I tried to be the “strong personality type of girl” and that’s not the real me. Although people still may see me as a feisty snob social bitch, believe me. I am such a martyr inside. A friend changed me from being sweet and sensitive to being bitter and numb. He said I should be strong and crying is just a “drama”.  As day goes by of no crying, being numb and bitter I begin to realized that this is not me anymore. Since I can’t cry or express my true feelings, I hide it. Let it flow and wait until my meter is red flag sizzling hot. I can’t take it anymore and I will just blare up, I will just burst out like hell. I am fumingly mad and that is something that never happened to me before. From that moment I knew something is wrong. I tried everything to change to become a better person that I can be. However, it turned out that I am a heartless person and that’s not me. I am not happy and satisfied with the results.

I miss the old Ley, the sweet, hopeless romantic and crybaby Ley, who always believe that there’s goodness in everyone’s heart. The martyr Ley who will do everything for the people she cares for. I miss the old me, the sensitive Ley, who always believes that everyone can be a better person despite of their negative traits. People see me as a weak person, at least I know deep inside my heart I am true to myself, to my feelings and to others. I know that I have a heart and I am not a heartless person. Actually, I am strong because I can strongly face the reality.  I am not afraid to be criticized. It is okay to be despised for who I truly am, THAN to be adored for who I really am NOT.