Missing The Old Me

As a kid, I can always be catty and bratty but as I enter the adolescent stage, I become more sensitive to other’s feelings. I become more mellow. My catty and bratty attitude disappeared.  As I go along the way, I experienced a lot. I had some fair shares of heartaches and heartbreaks, of disappointments and of frustrations and with that I certainly learned a lot not only spiritually as well as emotionally. Adulthood came like a thunder storm, fast and loud. It came like a blast. Heartaches and heartbreaks remain constant along the way but that never hinder me to stop believing in the magic of love and what is it capable of doing to change someone’s outlook about life and love. I still strongly believe that everyone has goodness in his heart albeit everyone also has negative traits that can be change and improve. I am very sensitive. I am very delicate. I am a crybaby as they may say. People see it as my great weakness but for me it’s not. The rationale behind that is; I am not afraid to show and express how I truly feel. Unlike other people who will hide their feelings; they will let it flow until they cannot hide it anymore and they will just BOOM! Explode like a bomb.

After a few years, I met a long lost friend. He made me realized how weak I am for being very sensitive and yes, a crybaby. For me, it’s a challenge. So, I tried to be the “strong personality type of girl” and that’s not the real me. Although people still may see me as a feisty snob social bitch, believe me. I am such a martyr inside. A friend changed me from being sweet and sensitive to being bitter and numb. He said I should be strong and crying is just a “drama”.  As day goes by of no crying, being numb and bitter I begin to realized that this is not me anymore. Since I can’t cry or express my true feelings, I hide it. Let it flow and wait until my meter is red flag sizzling hot. I can’t take it anymore and I will just blare up, I will just burst out like hell. I am fumingly mad and that is something that never happened to me before. From that moment I knew something is wrong. I tried everything to change to become a better person that I can be. However, it turned out that I am a heartless person and that’s not me. I am not happy and satisfied with the results.

I miss the old Ley, the sweet, hopeless romantic and crybaby Ley, who always believe that there’s goodness in everyone’s heart. The martyr Ley who will do everything for the people she cares for. I miss the old me, the sensitive Ley, who always believes that everyone can be a better person despite of their negative traits. People see me as a weak person, at least I know deep inside my heart I am true to myself, to my feelings and to others. I know that I have a heart and I am not a heartless person. Actually, I am strong because I can strongly face the reality.  I am not afraid to be criticized. It is okay to be despised for who I truly am, THAN to be adored for who I really am NOT.