amour vous-même

amour vous-même, Yes, it means love yourself.

Every day is so wonderful

 And suddenly it's hard to breathe

Now and then I get insecure

From all the pain, feel so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say

Words can't bring me down

I am beautiful in every single way

Yes, words can't bring me down, oh no

So don't you bring me down today

These are the words that came into my mind right after BJ asked “What can you see when you look at the mirror?” I don’t find myself ugly though I don’t find myself as someone who has lustrous looks like a model. But I know I am beautiful within because of the decisions I made despite my bad and heartbreaking experiences in life especially in terms of love, or I just thought so….

Do I really acknowledge myself as somebody?

 To love yourself is to acknowledge your worth. We often asked ourselves “What’s wrong with me?” well in fact, we should be asking the questions, “What’s right about me that God entrusted me this issue, problem or dilemma?” For three years, I don’t know the answer to this question.

“You can only have happy relationships if you have a happy self love”, BJ is right, until I love myself; I will not be able to love anyone else. I can only love another to the degree that I can do myself. Now, I know I am the reason why I am afraid to open my heart. I don’t have anything to give. My love tank is almost empty. The remaining love in my tank is solely for Addy only.

As BJ shares about self forgiveness, I felt so different. I am teary eyed at first, until my seatmate hand me a hanky. I am crying already. I know at that very moment, God is giving me the answer to some of my unanswered questions for 3 years. The answers are already in front of me; self forgiveness and love yourself. It feels like I am in May 2008 again as the first session continues. The pain felt so fresh that I can feel it while I listen to BJ. I can’t help but to burst out. I know already what’s going on. I am my worst enemy. I thought I moved on already. Yes, I forgave him already even if he did not ask for any forgiveness. I never hated nor despise him.  I hate myself. 

I already asked for God’s forgiveness. I am not aware that I have never forgiven myself yet. I was in denial for three years that I am okay. I carried the burden alone. I blame myself for being a single mom. I am hold responsible for Addy’s unsecure future. I fear that my son will despise me for not giving him a complete family. I am afraid. At that moment, I felt so insecure, I felt so ugly, I felt so worthless.  I felt all the things that I should have felt back May 2008. It feels like I am having my post partum depression again. I had to fight for this feeling. I listened to every word that BJ is saying because I know deep in my heart God is using him as a tool to lead me somewhere superior.

 Improve yourself

 I realized that I need to learn how to forgive myself to move forward. I need to stop blaming and hating myself just because I thought I ruined my son's life, his future. I reminded myself that no one is perfect. We all have strengths and weaknesses. I certainly possess the resources to work on improving myself. Each of us is unique and has specific talents and abilities to offer. In order to appreciate myself it is up to me to discover what makes me unique, beautiful and to further develop those talents. I have a responsibility to myself to do so. I cannot sit around and wait for approval from others. I have to work on accepting myself. I am the only "me" that I have. It is in my best interests to be the best me that I can be. I have to do this not just for me, but for my Addy.

I know with my family and friends around me, my love tank will never be empty again. God has given me another family who heartwarmingly welcomed me, who never judge me because of my past thus, accepted and loved me for what I have become because of my past. I am very happy to be in Makati feast. I found another family there. May we continue to fill each other’s love tank.

From the spiritual perspective, it is by turning your attention inward to yourself that you are able to experience your connection with Life, with God, with All That Is. I know that God will always be there for me. I know that he will lead me to where he wanted me to be. I know he just wants me to wait.

From the human perspective, every relationship you ever have with someone else exactly mirrors one or more aspects of the relationship you have with yourself.

All these years I am beating up and blaming myself for the things that were beyond my control, when what I really need is to be gentle with myself and love myself just the way I am. To love yourself means to accept yourself as you are and to come to terms with those aspects of yourself that you cannot change. It means to have self-respect, a positive self-image, and unconditional self-acceptance. Needless to say, it does not mean being arrogant, conceited or thinking that you are better than anyone else. It means having a healthy regard for yourself knowing that you are a worthy human being.

Loving yourself is mainly having self-respect which is the only dependable way to create love in your own life to share with others. When you expect love from an external source, and someone or something does not fulfill your void and fantasies, then you will feel worse than before. To be able to be loved, you must love and respect yourself as much as you do others. In a world where people strive for perfection it's easy to forget to do this and lose ourselves. We try to fit in and we forget that we are all different, with our little quirks and flaws that make us unique and stand out. Quirks we should embrace as they make us beautiful in the process.

Knowing how to love your self is extremely important. Self love is at the very core of wellbeing, joy, self-empowerment, and your ability to create and enjoy the kind of life you want. You cannot enjoy happiness if you are not at peace with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you’ll ever have.

I may not be the smartest or the prettiest person but I am ME and this is the reason I love myself.  So if there's one relationship worth investing in, let it the one with yourself first.