For more than three years, I never thought of dating and love. I have done everything possible to deny myself this part of my life. I tried to entertain a few recently, but after a day or two, I will say, "I am not ready, I am not interested," Although, I can probably attribute it to heartbreak and loss, I think the real reason is being scared. Scared to be vulnerable, scared of being hurt again. Honestly, getting my heart broken was pretty darn hard. Let's face it, breakups aren't easy and when a child is involved it is a whole different ball game. Obviously, my choices now as a mother are much more examined and significant. I will never bring a string of random men into my son's life. The idea of introducing him to someone is not something I take lightly. Lately, I do find myself missing that part of my life.
I've been completely closed off to meeting anyone or dating and sometimes I feel like I'm cheating myself. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, sometimes I miss the idea of being in love. I miss the butterflies, the companionship, the talks and walks. Isn't life is about taking chances and loving even if it leads to heartbreak? I'm not going to sign up for a dating service, but I am going to be more open to the possibilities. I'm still young and I can't honestly sit here and say that I never want to fall in love again nor should I. I'm learning in order to move forward it's essential to settle and forget the past, free myself from my past mistakes, learn from it and leave it where it belong. I learned a great deal from my previous relationship. I learned to turn to God and to make him the cornerstone of all my relationships. Closing a chapter is difficult. You're familiar with the story and how it plays out and it's appealing to stay stuck between those pages. Creating a new chapter requires courage it demands that you step out of your comfort zone and begin again.
I remember Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray and Love, she said this one line about how being in ruin leads to transformation. When we're in ruins we learn so much about ourselves and how much we can endure. We learn how to rebuild better and stronger. We transform our mistakes into something beautiful, a blessing. I experienced being in a relationship knowing nothing will change but never fully releasing the other person because it hurts so much to let go of what your vision was, but your vision was never the reality. In the end the real pain is the result of remaining stuck and refusing to release and it hurts....it hurts soooo bad..
With all that being said, Addy is number one and takes precedence over everything, but it's okay for me to be a mother and a woman too. It has taken me a long time to come to grips with that, but I'm finally emerging from the ruins, ready to rebuild a more permanent and stronger structure. I'm turning a page and that's all I can really do.
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